Man caught on tape having sex with picnic table umbrella

A neighbor videotaped Art Price, Jr., 40, go out on his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole in the umbrella to have sex. He allegedly was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, says a cop, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price. (WTOL.com)

Comments

[BallstotheWall]

Brilliant! Can't a man even go out onto his own deck in his own back yard and boink his own unbrella hole without his neighbors taking pictures?!? Sheesh!

[twerp]

At least he can't get an umbrella pregnant......

[kevy]

It was consenual. The table is 20 yrs old and didn't say no.

[Sean, Torrington CT]

OK I'm gonna have to see some line-of-sight photos. If the kids can see him without being on his property, he's an innocent man.

Of course, if this was on the front lawn, nobody should have to see it.

I'm getting to the point where I knee-jerk "Bullshit claim!" when 'the children' are used as a reason for arrest/conviction. Gotta work on that...

[vksjk]

Sean-
Excellent instinct whenever "The Children" is brought into an equation. Keep it up!

[KDP]

So, when do you suppose the nosy neighbor is going to put it up on YouTube?

I'd bet even money the buttinsky neighbor is some closet sex fiend who tries to peep into their neighbor's windows on a routine basis.

[G-Man]

My wife is soooo ugly....

"How ugly is she?"

She's so ugly that'd I'd rather have sex with my picnic table umbrella.

[Pool Boy]

OK, in the interest of "He who is without sin casting the first stone," I will admit publicly I tried inserting something similar into a swimming pool warm water jet, when I was a lad of course.

Anyone else brave enough to share?

[Dbl J]

An interest variation on 'pitching a tent'...

At least he was smart enough to not bone the grill.

[ULTRA]

HAS IT BEEN POSTED ON YOU TUBE YET? MIGHT BRING A LAUGH OR TWO.

[sometimesilie]

"He allegedly was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. "

One sentence I never expected to read in print.

There is an underground movement for most sick perversions, so this is probably just another. www.sexypicnictables.com
and I'd also like to say this is just a logical extension of what the right wing says will happen when "Adam and Steve" are allowed to get married. what's next, a man and his picnic table?!
Apparently.
Ironically enough, I am listening to the Pixies sing "Here comes your man"
lmao.

[beavis]

I don't know about children, but somebody saw him from off of his property.

It reminds me of those guys with more that one wife. One night he sleeps with one wife, the next night he rapes the table. . . and so on.

[KC]

Some day you will certainly learn it: Your
Odd neighbor would go for a turn at your
Chaise longue if he could,
Of metal or wood;
He lusts after patio furniture.

[Pyro]

"At least he can't get an umbrella pregnant......"

Of course you can where do you think those little umbrellas that go in drinks come from?

[Inigo Montoya]

Can something be too funny to be illegal?

Sometimes when I'm with my wife I think about picnic tables, but I'd never act on it.

Tracey Ulmann in fishnets------>
I'll just think about that.

[KDP]

I think Pyro has pretty much had the last word on this one.

[jilldini]

Someone once told him that having sex while wearing a condom was like taking a shower wearing a raincoat. Raincoat, umbrella, it's pretty much all the same thing.

[Rock Marine]

I am going to be filthy (no pun intended) rich.

My latest offering to the wackos of the world...

"Picnic Tables for Perverts"

[G-Man]

New listing on Craigslist from Mrs. Price:

One picnic table with umbrella. Slightly used. $50 obo.

[elchampino]

that boy ain't right

[Cherie]

Ha! This is my neck of the woods. I just thought the sheep were scared around here! Correct me if I'm wrong but the diameter of a picinic table umbrella hole isn't all that big is it?

[Phranqlin]

Was it as good for the picnic table as it was for him?

[Torgo]

There is one important point here that no one has broght up. An umbrella hole doesn't seem very comfortable. I haven't made a great study on them, not as in-depth as the article's subject certainly, but don't they have a lot of sharp edges?

[nellagain]

At the end of the article...

"Hopefully it stays between the adults and the kids don't get a lot of the information so they aren't so cruel to the little kids," says Emily Grote, a neighbor.
...

Aside from the felony use of "hopefully", I'd have to say that since the story (complete with mug shot) has hit the internet that hope is forlorn indeed.

And guys, splinters?

[Rock Marine]

Good Lord Nell, "splinters" It is very painful to hear that.

[jilldini]

Heck with splinters...how about rusty metal getting up you-know-where? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeghhhh...

[Horton]

This is how it starts people...first a lounge chair, then a picnic table, then we move up to the really hardcore furniture.

Picnic table = gateway sex.

[Rock Marine]

Jill, you're killing me with these horrible mental images.

[sometimesilie]

maybe he just happened to fall awkwardly, and continue to fall over and over again on at least 4 seperate occasions. How come nobody ever said anything about that? Because c'mon, really, an umbrella?!

[Rock Marine]

There once was a man so poor
He couldn't afford a whore
He wanted a girl named Mable
But, all he could find was a table
So says the neighbor next door

[mike]

The lead-in is incorrect - He had sex with the umbrella hole of the table - with the table, not the umbrella.

[Lambiepie]

Rock Marine,
free soiled panties with every picnic table!

[Sean, Torrington CT]

So what happens when he's done? Does he wash out the tube, or simply return the table to the upright position?

[AngrySockMonkey]

That man would be a legend in some countries

[Rock Marine]

Hey Lambiepie, with all the great marketing ideas you guys are providing, we can all get "filthy" rich.

Folks if you order the table and the umbrella, we'll throw in absolutely free, two pair of soiled panties of you choice.

1. Obese..1000 .lb
2. 12 year old stripper
3. picnic table
4. Florida teacher
5. and many others to choose from

[Farmer Bob]

The man needs a taller fence and less nosey neighbors.

[sometimesilie]

FB- Ewe!

[twerp]

I agree with FB! We need more drink umbrellas!

[yucca]

Who's your carpenter? You know you like that you cheap adirondak style picnic table,doncha? You know how i like it, who's your carpenter?

[Charles Brobst]

So anything done anywhere near children even if the state can present no actual instance of this being witnessed by children is a felony?
What has become of the rules of evidence or even common sense in this country?
Where is their underage witness?

[Elroy]

That must have been one sexy table. I've been with the knot in the wood fence for about a year now. My neighbor must have a dog or the knot must really get moist when I'm giving it the job. I'm going to have to check the table out tonight.

I'll post back.

[twerp]

This just in:

500,000 pictures of brand-spanking-new lawn-and-garden furniture were found on his computer.

[Get Real]

Your search - http://www.sexypicnictables.com/ - did not match any documents.

[Old Bogus]

In response to "pool boy"'s post:

I have had nonconsensual sex with a large electric insulator. A well as a wooden lawn swing. But that one was consensual; it was just asking for it.

[sometimesilie]

"Your search - http://www.sexypicnictables.com/ - did not match any documents."

well man, buy the domain name and get in on the ground floor! Methinks this cannot possibly be an isolated incident. Seriously, someday you'll thank me. Personally, I like my picnic table to be draped in red and white checkerboard cloth, or dressed like a nurse. Hawt!

[arnoldziffel]

what about the splinters?

[Dave]

That's kinda stupid. That wouldn't feel good at all. When I was a kid, for instance, I tried to do the cardboard core of a roll of toilet paper. I learned pretty quick that a hole does not equal sexual pleasure. It's gotta be soft and warm or else it just ain't gonna fly.

[S.O.]

I think this was actually a space alien in human form - haywire again! Possibly a human who absorbed too many genetic modifications from his food ...

[Sheila]

His poor kids--"Hey, Bobby, I saw a story on tv about your old man and a table!"

[Cherie]

I was so confused. I was thinking he was f-ing the umbrella pole.