A neighbor videotaped Art Price, Jr., 40, go out on his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole in the umbrella to have sex. He allegedly was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, says a cop, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price. (WTOL.com)
Brilliant! Can't a man even go out onto his own deck in his own back yard and boink his own unbrella hole without his neighbors taking pictures?!? Sheesh!
Posted by: BallstotheWall | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:15 AM
At least he can't get an umbrella pregnant......
Posted by: twerp | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:17 AM
It was consenual. The table is 20 yrs old and didn't say no.
Posted by: kevy | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:18 AM
OK I'm gonna have to see some line-of-sight photos. If the kids can see him without being on his property, he's an innocent man.
Of course, if this was on the front lawn, nobody should have to see it.
I'm getting to the point where I knee-jerk "Bullshit claim!" when 'the children' are used as a reason for arrest/conviction. Gotta work on that...
Posted by: Sean, Torrington CT | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:18 AM
Sean-
Excellent instinct whenever "The Children" is brought into an equation. Keep it up!
Posted by: vksjk | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:24 AM
So, when do you suppose the nosy neighbor is going to put it up on YouTube?
I'd bet even money the buttinsky neighbor is some closet sex fiend who tries to peep into their neighbor's windows on a routine basis.
Posted by: KDP | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:27 AM
My wife is soooo ugly....
"How ugly is she?"
She's so ugly that'd I'd rather have sex with my picnic table umbrella.
Posted by: G-Man | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:32 AM
OK, in the interest of "He who is without sin casting the first stone," I will admit publicly I tried inserting something similar into a swimming pool warm water jet, when I was a lad of course.
Anyone else brave enough to share?
Posted by: Pool Boy | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:33 AM
An interest variation on 'pitching a tent'...
At least he was smart enough to not bone the grill.
Posted by: Dbl J | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:35 AM
HAS IT BEEN POSTED ON YOU TUBE YET? MIGHT BRING A LAUGH OR TWO.
Posted by: ULTRA | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:37 AM
"He allegedly was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. "
One sentence I never expected to read in print.
There is an underground movement for most sick perversions, so this is probably just another. www.sexypicnictables.com
and I'd also like to say this is just a logical extension of what the right wing says will happen when "Adam and Steve" are allowed to get married. what's next, a man and his picnic table?!
Apparently.
Ironically enough, I am listening to the Pixies sing "Here comes your man"
lmao.
Posted by: sometimesilie | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:38 AM
I don't know about children, but somebody saw him from off of his property.
It reminds me of those guys with more that one wife. One night he sleeps with one wife, the next night he rapes the table. . . and so on.
Posted by: beavis | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:43 AM
Some day you will certainly learn it: Your
Odd neighbor would go for a turn at your
Chaise longue if he could,
Of metal or wood;
He lusts after patio furniture.
Posted by: KC | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:48 AM
"At least he can't get an umbrella pregnant......"
Of course you can where do you think those little umbrellas that go in drinks come from?
Posted by: Pyro | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:51 AM
Can something be too funny to be illegal?
Sometimes when I'm with my wife I think about picnic tables, but I'd never act on it.
Tracey Ulmann in fishnets------>
I'll just think about that.
Posted by: Inigo Montoya | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:53 AM
I think Pyro has pretty much had the last word on this one.
Posted by: KDP | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 11:57 AM
Someone once told him that having sex while wearing a condom was like taking a shower wearing a raincoat. Raincoat, umbrella, it's pretty much all the same thing.
Posted by: jilldini | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:17 PM
I am going to be filthy (no pun intended) rich.
My latest offering to the wackos of the world...
"Picnic Tables for Perverts"
Posted by: Rock Marine | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:17 PM
New listing on Craigslist from Mrs. Price:
One picnic table with umbrella. Slightly used. $50 obo.
Posted by: G-Man | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:25 PM
that boy ain't right
Posted by: elchampino | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:28 PM
Ha! This is my neck of the woods. I just thought the sheep were scared around here! Correct me if I'm wrong but the diameter of a picinic table umbrella hole isn't all that big is it?
Posted by: Cherie | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:34 PM
Was it as good for the picnic table as it was for him?
Posted by: Phranqlin | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:40 PM
There is one important point here that no one has broght up. An umbrella hole doesn't seem very comfortable. I haven't made a great study on them, not as in-depth as the article's subject certainly, but don't they have a lot of sharp edges?
Posted by: Torgo | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:57 PM
At the end of the article...
"Hopefully it stays between the adults and the kids don't get a lot of the information so they aren't so cruel to the little kids," says Emily Grote, a neighbor.
...
Aside from the felony use of "hopefully", I'd have to say that since the story (complete with mug shot) has hit the internet that hope is forlorn indeed.
And guys, splinters?
Posted by: nellagain | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 12:57 PM
Good Lord Nell, "splinters" It is very painful to hear that.
Posted by: Rock Marine | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:02 PM
Heck with splinters...how about rusty metal getting up you-know-where? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeghhhh...
Posted by: jilldini | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:03 PM
This is how it starts people...first a lounge chair, then a picnic table, then we move up to the really hardcore furniture.
Picnic table = gateway sex.
Posted by: Horton | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:06 PM
Jill, you're killing me with these horrible mental images.
Posted by: Rock Marine | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:07 PM
maybe he just happened to fall awkwardly, and continue to fall over and over again on at least 4 seperate occasions. How come nobody ever said anything about that? Because c'mon, really, an umbrella?!
Posted by: sometimesilie | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:07 PM
There once was a man so poor
He couldn't afford a whore
He wanted a girl named Mable
But, all he could find was a table
So says the neighbor next door
Posted by: Rock Marine | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:12 PM
The lead-in is incorrect - He had sex with the umbrella hole of the table - with the table, not the umbrella.
Posted by: mike | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:14 PM
Rock Marine,
free soiled panties with every picnic table!
Posted by: Lambiepie | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:16 PM
So what happens when he's done? Does he wash out the tube, or simply return the table to the upright position?
Posted by: Sean, Torrington CT | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:19 PM
That man would be a legend in some countries
Posted by: AngrySockMonkey | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:21 PM
Hey Lambiepie, with all the great marketing ideas you guys are providing, we can all get "filthy" rich.
Folks if you order the table and the umbrella, we'll throw in absolutely free, two pair of soiled panties of you choice.
1. Obese..1000 .lb
2. 12 year old stripper
3. picnic table
4. Florida teacher
5. and many others to choose from
Posted by: Rock Marine | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:27 PM
The man needs a taller fence and less nosey neighbors.
Posted by: Farmer Bob | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:30 PM
FB- Ewe!
Posted by: sometimesilie | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:31 PM
I agree with FB! We need more drink umbrellas!
Posted by: twerp | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:35 PM
Who's your carpenter? You know you like that you cheap adirondak style picnic table,doncha? You know how i like it, who's your carpenter?
Posted by: yucca | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:45 PM
So anything done anywhere near children even if the state can present no actual instance of this being witnessed by children is a felony?
What has become of the rules of evidence or even common sense in this country?
Where is their underage witness?
Posted by: Charles Brobst | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 01:50 PM
That must have been one sexy table. I've been with the knot in the wood fence for about a year now. My neighbor must have a dog or the knot must really get moist when I'm giving it the job. I'm going to have to check the table out tonight.
I'll post back.
Posted by: Elroy | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 02:03 PM
This just in:
500,000 pictures of brand-spanking-new lawn-and-garden furniture were found on his computer.
Posted by: twerp | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 02:04 PM
Your search - http://www.sexypicnictables.com/ - did not match any documents.
Posted by: Get Real | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 02:20 PM
In response to "pool boy"'s post:
I have had nonconsensual sex with a large electric insulator. A well as a wooden lawn swing. But that one was consensual; it was just asking for it.
Posted by: Old Bogus | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 02:45 PM
"Your search - http://www.sexypicnictables.com/ - did not match any documents."
well man, buy the domain name and get in on the ground floor! Methinks this cannot possibly be an isolated incident. Seriously, someday you'll thank me. Personally, I like my picnic table to be draped in red and white checkerboard cloth, or dressed like a nurse. Hawt!
Posted by: sometimesilie | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 02:51 PM
what about the splinters?
Posted by: arnoldziffel | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 03:17 PM
That's kinda stupid. That wouldn't feel good at all. When I was a kid, for instance, I tried to do the cardboard core of a roll of toilet paper. I learned pretty quick that a hole does not equal sexual pleasure. It's gotta be soft and warm or else it just ain't gonna fly.
Posted by: Dave | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 03:36 PM
I think this was actually a space alien in human form - haywire again! Possibly a human who absorbed too many genetic modifications from his food ...
Posted by: S.O. | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 03:38 PM
His poor kids--"Hey, Bobby, I saw a story on tv about your old man and a table!"
Posted by: Sheila | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 03:59 PM
I was so confused. I was thinking he was f-ing the umbrella pole.
Posted by: Cherie | Friday, March 28, 2008 at 06:04 PM